


Stargazer

by tukimecca



Category: SHINee
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, alter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-19
Updated: 2015-09-19
Packaged: 2018-04-21 11:26:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4827365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tukimecca/pseuds/tukimecca
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kim Jonghyun is a photographer. Kim Kibum is a stylist. Jonghyun thinks, knows, feels, that Kibum is magical. That Jonghyun falls for him is inevitable and aligning his path with Kibum is not as easy; never so easy. The problem is Jinki thinks Jonghyun is insane. The problem is Jonghyun knows he probably is. The problem is Kibum doesn’t know anything about Jonghyun until Jonghyun is dead set in seizing the constellations he always sees in Kibum’s eyes</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stargazer

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I posted this on my LJ 4 years ago and decided to post it here as well (lol). I tried to emphasize the idea of Jonghyun’s insanity, I do not know whether it really worked or not. I’m sorry if this is confusing; cheesy even, and please do tell; do share your mind about this story. Inspired by songs by Diana Vickers, Ellie Goulding, and Pixie Lott’s ‘Gravity’.

The first time Jonghyun sees Kibum is when the eccentric and exquisite man is scrunching up his nose, a piece of something that resembled jeans (something that Jonghyun will later learn is called 'jeggings') dangling from between his fingertips. “This is so last season, you know.” He looks like he is about to toss the thing away and never set his eyes on it anymore, at least until the season demands, but he put it on a card box instead.

Kibum doesn’t walk on stilettos, but his leather boots make clicking noises on the floor whenever he walks. The sound is like silver trail on his wake which signals people that he, Kim Kibum, is here. Jonghyun thinks he hears a nostalgic song and he thinks he sees stars; he thinks he hears and sees everything as Kibum sets his eyes on him for the first time.

Kim Jonghyun decides, from the moment his path entwined (haphazardly entangled with the other’s) path, Kim Kibum is magical.

Jonghyun works as photographer, he doesn’t remember why he becomes one and can only offer a distant memory of his first camera which he earned from his deceased father. He also doesn’t remember how had he come this far; he only remembers working behind the lenses together with endless shutters; he only remembers the tingling sensation whenever he seizes a moment. He loves photography; or maybe he merely likes it. Because love is a word so strong it stirs conflict and ends it, Jonghyun isn’t going to use it.

Kibum started as an ambitious and inspirational fashion blogger who always dresses meticulously; a young and confident boy who doesn’t care that people call him poofs and rainbows, a boy who was scouted by famous fashion magazine to work with ever since he was in high school. Kibum worked with the magazine while collecting money for college. He was once fully supported until his parent passed away in tragic accident (that Kibum could retell without blinking his eyes and shedding a tear, simply because he had long since accepted the fact and knowing that nothing comes from grieving), working with the magazine gives Kibum another taste of the glamorous world of high end fashion.

“One day I will be a fashion designer, I will either have my own brand or work for big names in fashion industry,” Kibum says with eyes so full of dream and hope. Jonghyun thinks he is blinded with the unwavering fire flickering beneath those rich brown eyes so he squints his eyes a little, he makes sure that there’s a smile on his face so Kibum will not misunderstand his slightly narrowed eyes.

The Photographer watches as Kibum starts to talk again; mostly about himself and how he is deeply attached to the world of fashion. Jonghyun usually doesn’t really listen to people when they talk to him, his face and body gestures will indicate that he is giving his full attention but inside, his mind is drifting somewhere like he has them connected to some spiritual astral network that allows his mind to wonder through the galaxy, wonder through the whole universe.

But when Kibum opens his mouth and scent of something bittersweet; a bit like coffee and caramel, comes to Jonghyun’s sense, Jonghyun detaches his mind from the mysterious network and gives his all to Kibum.

Because Kibum is magical, Jonghyun reasons to himself as Kibum praises his work and calls him genius. Because his world burst into colours, colours, and carousels when Kibum does as much as smiling at him. Because he and Kibum have shared a cup of steaming hot caramel macchiato (which smells so much like Kibum) while sitting on a couch, looking and feeling the little bit exhausted, leaning on each other and talk about trivial things. Because in less than twenty four hours he has spent together with the man, a sight of Kibum’s eyes twinkling while styling a model has become so familiar in Jonghyun’s eyes that he think he knows The Stylist well enough to say that the way he does things are so like him, so like Kibum.

By the end of his first day, Jonghyun feels the axis of the world has shifted a little as he stares (secretly) at Kibum in between words of greetings and gratitudes, “Thank you for your hard works!” Everyone says and Jonghyun naturally follows. He takes care of camera carefully like he is tending a child who has got fever for the first time; like he is tending a fleeting illusion that’s about to disappear into nothingness, like he is tending a lover that will probably leave when he opens his eyes after a peaceful sleep.

Jongyun heaves his bags of equipment to his back when Kibum’s boots enter his line of vision. Looking at the way the stylist dresses (a brown parka with lined fur, a gray t-shirt under a half-buttoned checkered shirt, a scarf with tartan checks hanging from his neck, and simple yet stylish black jeans) Jonghyun feels underdressed in his old tattered jeans, black jacket over a stripped sleeveless buttoned-up shirt, and a pair of two years old red sneakers. Kibum had looked at the shoes and says that they look hideous without holding back the apparent disgust in his voice. Jonghyun doesn’t feel hurt, he only scratched the back of his head and told him he had used his money for photography equipment rather than using his money for his attires. Kibum gives him a look and before he said anything, Jonghyun could already tell what Kibum was going to say.

So when Kibum said; “That can’t do! You’re a fashion photographer now, you have to take care of your own clothes!” Jonghyun felt like he had scored something and then he was going to score another one. Kibum then forced him to go shopping with him after work is done, and here he is, waiting for Jonghyun to finish taking care of his equipments to take him shopping.

Jonghyun doesn’t mind at all because Kibum is magical and he is taking Jonghyun’s hand in his, leading him to a place that he says will groom Jonghyun until Kibum deems he looks satisfying enough. Jonghyun doesn’t care because he can be a lost puppy and Kibum is the kind boy with stars and moon in his eyes, food and home to give, diamond and gold as heart, who will take Jonghyun with him.

He doesn’t remember how many hours he and Kibum spend going from one store to another, choosing clothes after clothes, jeans after jeans, and shoes after shoes.

After Kibum is satisfied with what they purchased, they stopped by a coffee shop and Kibum buys himself a caramel machiatto, he asks Jonghyun what he wants and Jonghyun is very tempted to say; “whatever you have.” But he doesn’t feel like drinking coffee when he feels like crashing on his bed already so he asks for a hot chocolate.

They sit together on the seats facing the street, silently watching the city light flickers in front of them. It’s almost eleven pm but the city is still bustling with life. Jonghyun bites his straw as he tries to sneak a peek at the pitch dark sky. There is no star, then he looks at Kibum and thinks that he doesn’t really need to see the blinking objects because Kibum’s sparkling eyes beckon for him to pay his attention only to Kibum and Kibum alone.

The younger man looks at Jonghyun sideways and gives him a small tired smile, “You will be awesome tomorrow.” He says and Jonghyun hears the sleep in his voice so he offers Kibum a ride home. Kibum doesn’t refuse for they came here with Jonghyun’s car and when Jonghyun finally takes Kibum back, he tells him to rest well and promises him he will look dashing tomorrow. Kibum’s response is full and rich laugh that shakes the very core of Jonghyun before cheekily (and sleepily) grin at him.

The next morning, Jonghyun wakes up to the beautiful melody of already passed spring, and takes out a note with Kibum’s writing on it; The Kim Kibum’s Almighty Lookbook, it says at the top of the paper and it doesn’t take forever for Jonghyun to follow the instruction.

-

Days passed by and between the growing relationship between them (and between the lessening distance of the two) Jonghyun earns a call from his best friend, a senior from his high school, the only person who can actually stand Jonghyun because other people tends to see Jonghyun as a freak, someone who is immersed completely in his own world. And Jonghyun never deny the accusation, he doesn’t think it worth it. In the end, as long as he has what he wants, then nothing else matters.

He meets Jinki one day after work, one day after work when he rejects Kibum’s offer of late night coffee and trivial talks. Kibum only answers with raised brows and simple Okay before bidding him 'Good Bye' and 'See You tomorrow'. Jonghyun feels the world tips a little at the axis and someone is tearing down his heart with long nails but quickly regains his balance as quick as he sees every single constellation in Kibum’s eyes.

Jinki doesn’t change at all, actually, no one every change at all in Jonghyun’s eyes and the reason is simple; he never cared enough to know how they looked like before to tell the difference between then and now.

The older one smiles at him, corner of his eyes crinkles, and Jognhyun feels a weird sweep of nostalgia. Suddenly he is back to be the boy in un-tucked uniform and messy ties, looking at the sun–lit sky instead of going to classes and takes a picture with his hands whenever he feels like it.

Back then, Jinki is the diligent model student that everyone adores and he has oversized glasses on his face. He happened to see Jonghyun one day, the little freak everyone talked about, taking picture with actual camera until Jonghyun eventually (accidently) took a picture of him. The first words Jinki said to him was; “Are you allowed to bring camera to school?”

Jonghyun looked at the camera in his hand before looking back to Jinki with knitted big eyes filled with curiosity instead of fear of breaking the rules and questioned back, “Are you?”

Then it took The Fate to do all the work to bring the two of them together. Jonghyun never seek for Jinki and Jinki never look for him. Fate was not cruel, it merely played a game it is supposed to play and at the time, the game was to get Jinki and Jonghyun together.

They met, bumped onto each other, they talked, they laughed; they are friends, Jinki once said and Jonghyun had gave him the same look he had given him when they first met. The way Jonghyun asked, “Are we?” was so familiar, eerily nostalgic that it brought chill down Jinki’s spine.

Jinki knew him well enough to know Jonghyun isn’t exactly the sanest people around but he is not complaining. The two of them could work together and Jonghyun had taken a liking to Jinki as much as Jinki had taken a fondness for him. There is no problem with that so Jinki let the matter of Jonghyun’s (probably non-existent) sanity slides around until it disappear around the corner of his mind.

Jonghyun sits beside Jinki and he never offer casual talk like 'How are you' or 'long time no see', he jumps straight to the point like a daredevil lunge straight to a challenge. “What do you want?”

The older man is struck with a feeling of familiarity despite the seemingly harsh treatment, but he knows better that Jonghyun doesn’t spare his time for insignificant matter. Jonghyun waits for his answer and Jinki laughed until Jonghyun laughs too, and then the two of them are laughing as if their life depends on it. The conversation grows from there and Jinki asks Jonghyun about his new job. Jonghyun tells him about Kibum, about the man so magical in Jonghyun’s heart.

To say that Jinki is shocked is an understatement. Never before he dare to think Jonghyun will eventually become attracted to someone, Jonghyun’s world always revolves around him and him alone. Jonghyun is egocentric man who unconsciously thinks that the world revolves around him, if not for himself.

So hearing Jonghyun talks about Kibum like this Kibum is the world savior, the conqueror of the whole existence, a god who rules over Jonghyun’s heart, Jinki cannot help but feel a little bit wary. It is not jealousy because he sees and feels Jonghyun as a younger brother (with well-hidden mental problem), it’s more like worry.

Because whenever something become dear and gains a space in Jonghyun’s seemingly tightly closed (empty) heart, it bounds to hurt.

-

The next day, Jonghyun offers Kibum hundreds of apology which the man accepts with a smile glowing brighter than rising sun. Kibum is everything to him and Kibum is everywhere, in his sleep and in his wake. Kibum is the constant shadow that follows him except it isn’t Kibum doing the following. It is Jonghyun who does the following thing and Kibum is always leading far ahead but close enough that when Jonghyun reaches out for him, the tip of his finger still can come into contact with the fabric of Kibum’s clothes.

-

Jonghyun realizes he never hear a sound of heart breaking so clear like his own. The sound of it has become so familiar that Jonghyun could tap his foot to the beat in the midst of shutters and flashing light. It starts with a creaking noise like turning gears and gives a last shudder before shattering completely under invisible pressure into millions of pieces; into billions of stardust that lit up the night sky and continue to lighten up people’s path. But there is no star in the sky, not anymore because the city has become confined within the gas and pollution that the previously vast milky way become unseen.

It resounds, echoes, reverberates, and coming back to him like a haunting melody; a distorted harmony and so much like broken record. Then Jonghyun can only hear static noises filling his ears, someone has stopped playing music in his ears.

In front of his eyes, Kibum is holding hand with a model whose name Jonghyun doesn’t know. And he doesn’t want to know either.

-

Jonghyun never dwells with such painful feeling like sadness because he knows if he revels too much within the embrace of frustration, he will plunge straight to fathomlessly deep abyss of depression. When the dreaded feelings comes breathing down his neck, Jonghyun seeks for familiar melody before humming the tunes until it dissolve into nothing but thin air, it is nothing but foolish paranoia.

“It’s your own sick and twisted way of dealing with it,” he remembers Jinki says. Jonghyun thinks he said something in respond but he couldn’t remember because Kibum is waving his hand in front of him and calling his names.

Jonghyun blinks (nine times) and counts to twenty three (the date of Kibum’s birth, the very day Kim Kibum was born to this world, a day Jonghyun will treasure forever), before tilting his head a little to look at Kibum properly. His brows are knitted together with concern and worries, there are flaws on Kibum’s face but for Jonghyun, the way the younger man’s eyes seems to dazzle endlessly like he is going to live forever to seize the stars with his fingers, is enough to erase them from existence.

“Are you alright?” Kibum asks and his voice is very much like the earth-shattering music that tickles Jonghyun’s soul. His fingers are itching to just touch Kibum but he wills to restrain himself.

Kibum is giving him his care on a silver platter but Jonghyun longs for Kibum to put his heart on it instead. Jonghyun really wants to say that he is not okay for he is so much in love with Kibum; for his feeling is not reciprocated. Because Kibum has shifts Jonghyun’s equilibrium and it’s coming unbalanced, because Kibum has Jonghyun undone with merely breathing, alive, and existing at the same time Jonghyun does.

He really wants to say he is not okay because there is no way for him to fall out of love; for there is no way he’s coming off the ride, for there is no way Jonghyun tips his world back to how it used to be before the two of them met (Jonghyun doesn’t remember either how his world is used to be).

He really wants to say he is far from okay but he says he is okay anyways, and he reminds himself that Kibum doesn’t only smell of bittersweet caramel macchiato; he also smells of unrequited love and heartbreak. So Jonghyun smiles to him, a smile that promises a world and thousands of stars to be given. But Kibum misses it, he always does.

-

Jonghyun and Jinki meets again, this time they’re far from tipsy, but Jinki’s words are still slurring together like riddles and unsolved puzzle. “Are you still infatuated with him?” He asks, no, more like he demands for an answer, why is Jinki always so demadning? Always giving him question after question, none of Jonghyun had given a solid answer to.

The Photographer knits his eyebrows the way Kibum does his. Is he? Is he still infatuated with Kim Kibum even if he already knew that Kibum will only let him see the glittering sparks in his eyes but will never let him have them?

No, he is not infatuated with Kibum. He is in love with Kibum. He loves him so much that he is willing to rewind when he passes Kibum’s road, Kim Kibum is his pure white dove, his knock on wood, the gravity that pulls him in and pushes him out.

Jonghyun feels strongly for Kibum that he doesn’t care if he was to lose a battle as long as Kibum will still be in his lone of vision. Jonghyun tilts his head upward in illusion of seeing the murky night sky with pale silver moon looking so lonely and without glimmering stars (because it’s actually the ceiling he is staring at) and he hears, rather than sees, someone grins gleefully with dilated pupil and says, “I love him enough to kill.”

Jonghyun laughes and in between, he feels nothing but agreement at the voice and face that indeed belongs to him. He loves Kibum enough to kill because the man is the center of his world, the very core of his universe, and can even be the reason for his existence.

He eventually looks at Jinki who dons a concerned look that reminds Jonghyun of Kibum’s own. With crooked smile he questions back, “Am I?”

“Am I?” Jinki parroted him, voice holding much more question that Jonghyun’s. The younger man looks back at the imaginary sky above him as he pictures Kibum, the very same Kibum who has Jonghyun meddling with the border of his (probably inexistent) sanity. The man who doesn’t haunt him in his sleep, but rather graces it as if he was a holy and sacred being sent from heaven.

“Yes, hyung, Am I?” Jinki then looks at him like he is a madman (he doesn’t always does but sometimes he does), Jonghyun doesn’t feel hurt at all. He never feels such thing like hurt or pain, misery or sadness, loneliness and self-pity. Such feeling, as far as Jonghyun concerns, is not present in Jonghyun’s world.

An exasperated sound comes from Jinki’s throat as he flails a little, the older man takes another sip of his drink without lifting his gaze off of Jonghyun who sips and looks daringly at him in return.

There is nothing like cut-able tension between them, no awkward and uncomfortable silence; there’s only a game Jonghyun lies and challenges Jinki to play (another sick and twisted game that makes no sense at all, but for Jonghyun, it does). Jonghyun arches one single brow as Jinki let another groan and averts his gaze, returning to his cup of beverage; he doesn’t take the card, doesn’t play the game, and Jonghyun is the least happy but he is okay with it because this is Jinki (the only person who can deal with him just fine).

“Why are you always asking me back when I asked you first.” It comes more like a statement than a question. Jinki already know that Jonghyun isn’t going to answer him if he fires a question regarding himself; the man never provides anyone any answer.

There is snort coming from Jonghyun followed with a murmur of 'why I wonder', and Jinki closes his eyes, seeing Jonghyun giving everything up to a man named Kibum whose face he doesn’t know behind his closed eyelids. He opens them once again and stares at his companion, “What did he do to you, Jonghyun-ah?”

Unexpectedly, Jonghyun gives him an answer as the younger one trails one finger down to his right chest as if his heart belongs there and splayed his palm on it (feeling and noting the rhythm of void beats), a wistful smile on his face.

“He empties me, hyung,” he says with husky voice, “he empties me and he fills me with nothing but him.”

Jinki thinks Jonghyun is falling so hard in love to the point of no salvation. But since when there is any salvation for a man like Jonghyun? The only salvation he has is himself and Jonghyun always works it; somehow he always work it out in his strange quizzical way (with his far from sane mind).

He looks at Jonghyun as if he is sending his prayer to him with his gaze.

-

Kibum stares at the piece of lacey clothing in front of her, it is black in color, a mini dress kind of thing that woman wear for a little more formal occasion. There is a frown (that will never make him less than perfection) on his face, contemplating and thinking. Jonghyun watches from behind his oversized glasses that Kibum bought for him, hands automatically working on his cameras.

“What is wrong, Kibum-ah?” he asks. The man he addressed (the man that he loves with all his being), looks at him and let Jonghyun take a full view of the clothes he has been staring (for past four minutes and twenty seven seconds).

“What do you think?”

“What do you think what do I think?” Jonghyun replies back without missing a beat, teasing grin on his face as the frown on Kibum’s face dissipated into the depth of oblivion, replaced with cheeky smile and roll of his eyes (eyes that still shine like the starry sky that used to shelter Jonghyun’s night instead of starless sky).

“I think I don’t know what do you think, that’s why I’m asking you, pabo.” There is no malice in Kibum’s voice but the way he answers him; gentle and almost loving like Jonghyun is dear to him (how Jonghyun wishes he is), is far more cruel than any torture. Because Jonghyun has gone so far already, he already sails away in seek for Kibum’s heart even though he possessed a knowledge of never going to find it.

Jonghyun looks at the clothes and rubs his chin with his fingers, posing a thinking stance that Kibum said he looks silly in, before answering him with a nod, “it looks good.”

Kibum’s starry eyes move in slow motion away from Jonghyun to the black mini dress and Jonghyun thinks he is more than willing to travel the seven oceans for futile adventure of finding Kibum’s heart.

“You think so?” Kibum asks again for the second time, and just because they say the third time is the charm, Jonghyun ask back again.

“Do you think I think so?”

Kibum is so having Jonghyun twirled around his fingers like fate has human slithered around its own. One single grin is enough to make Jonghyun explode into tiny millions of rainbow colored stardust. “I think you think so.”

-

There is the same model from yesterday, her cheeks are pink from and her lips are rosy, her skin is with no trace of blemish and her hair is done in tight braids. She’s laughing as Kibum ties the scarf around her neck. Kibum is also laughing with her, they are exchanging jokes with each other and the girl will occasionally hit Kibum on the shoulder playfully. Jonghyun bits the inside of his cheek that he bleeds but he drinks them down like it is rich, savory wine. The truth is just Jonghyun likes the taste of blood.

Kibum’s fingers graze her skin, Kibum’s eyes lingers at somewhere on her head before climbing down to rest on her face for a beat longer than necessary. Jonghyun’s breathe hitches as the stellar formation twinkle in Kibum’s eyes.

The girl’s eyes do not twinkle back in answer, staying dull and brown without as much as single lit of fire. How dare she, Jonghyun swears, how dare she doesn’t answer back to the call of (Jonghyun’s) galaxy?

The girl murmurs something that makes Kibum laugh and leaves Jonghyun to crumble. After inspecting the girl from the tip of her toe to the crown of her head, Kibum smiles out with so much pride and a shine that belongs only to him. He then turns to Jonghyun, eyes so bright and smile so blinding, “All ready, Mr. Photographer!”

Jonghyun wants to shout; wants to scream out how cruel and evil Kibum is, but there’s only static noise in his ears so Jonghyun answers with a nod and (well-trained) faked enthusiasm. He positions himself behind the lenses as the model strikes a (ugly) pose with hands on her hips and mouth opened a little.

All the while, Jonghyun captures the pictures without putting his feeling on it, but the results are still satisfactory that Kibum throws his arms around Jonghyun’s shoulders, praising him with delighted squeal and pure admiration.

Jonghyun hopes it is adoration but Kibum is back to the model and Jonghyun thinks if there is any way to embrace a life out of someone with a camera.

-

“Are you still in love with him?” Jinki asks.

Jonghyun is too busy thinking about Kibum and his announcement of a budding relationship with the model whose name begins with ‘M’ to ask back. He put the tteokbokki into his awating mouth and chews it (at least thirty three times before swallowing), “I think I’m sinking and I probably am.”

Jinki snorts and says he thinks Jonghyun will be alright; Jonghyun will survive because everybody gets like this sometimes. Jonghyun thinks so too because all he has to do is fall apart and put himself fall together again, except that he doesn’t want to fall apart; he only wants to fall in love with Kibum.

“Hyung,” Jonghyun creases his brows together, not liking how the sauce is more sour than spicy and sweet like how he likes it. “Have you ever been in love?”

“Me? In love?” Jinki’s eyes fall to his lap, recollecting the strange feelings he sometimes suspected as love. He then shakes his head and gaze meeting Jonghyun with small smile on his face, “If I have ever feel, it’s all platonic love, none of them are romantic.”

Jonghyun blinks, remembering the way Kibum’s eyes rapidly shut and open, and asks again, “What is the difference between platonic love and romantic love? Does it feel like you’re falling? Does it feel like you have been hit by lightning?”

Jinki’s laugh is loud and clear, it doesn’t last long, though, Jinki is back staring at Jonghyun with crooked smile on his face. “What’s with your sudden enthusiasm?”

“What do you think it is? What is the difference?” Jonghyun prods, feeling not too tired to questions back because he wants to know about what is platonic and what is romantic. What Jonghyun wants, Jonghyun gets. Kibum is the only exception to this. He is, after all, a rare case; someone magical.

“Well, with platonic love, you do not feel all romantic,” Jinki frowns when he realizes it doesn’t give much answer to Jonghyun’s question so he searches again for the right explanation. “With platonic love, you feel for this person but you do not feel as much, you long to be with this person but do not long as much, you yearn for this person but you do not yearn as much, you fall for this person but do not fall as deep.”

There is a pause as Jinki browse through his rich vocabulary for further and clearer explanation that can put solid border between the two feelings. “With platonic love, it doesn’t feel like you are falling, it doesn’t feel like you have been hit by lighting. It feels like it never really going to leave a scar so deep that will slowly grow into hollowed space and abyss of no return. It feels more like you are happy when this person is happy, you are sad when this person is sad; but your world doesn’t smile when this person smile and you world doesn’t cry when it person cry.”

“It’s only 'me' in platonic love but it’s 'me' and 'my world' in romantic love?” Jonghyun asks, voice so rich and deep with fascination of a kid who had just discovered that the world is indeed round for the first time.

Jinki put one finger to his chin and nods slowly. He is going to say more but Jonghyun cuts in, he recognizes the feeling that Jinki tries to explain to him, he knows it very well because he always feel so when he looks at Kibum and his eyes. “With platonic love, you love this person but you do not love enough to make this person the center of your gravity. With romantic love, you love this person and you love him enough to make this person the center of you gravity.”

“I, I guess so.” Jinki murmurs, a little bit shocked at Jonghyun’s sudden outburst, yet, the younger man continue.

“With romantic love, you feel like asking is too much. With romantic love, you feel like saying is too much. With romantic love, you feel like existing is too much. With romantic love, everything is too much but none of them is enough to satisfy you. It will never be enough because even if you are with this person, if you were to be with this person, you feel like you have accomplished nothing and you still have to do so much more.”

Jonghyun stops, he thinks of Kibum, he closes his eyes and he can easily see the man, can effortlessly hear the voice of Kibum. And Jonghyun thinks, knows, feels, he is in love with Kibum, romantically.

Kibum loves him too but he loves Jonghyun platonically.

“Hyung,” he calls, making Jinki jumps a little, “is there any way to change platonic love to romantic love? Is there any way to make me the center of someone’s world?”

Jinki wants to say that it probably is too much to ask but there is this fire in Jonghyun’s eyes that Jinki is so familiar with. Jonghyun has his gun ready and he is not backing down, not even if he already has his target; not now and not ever, So he just say that there is a way, he knows Jonghyun doesn’t need the answer.

Even without it, Jonghyun is ready to hunt and once again, Jinki conveys his prayer through his gaze.

-

It lessened the hardship that Kibum is bi, attracted to both man and woman. Jonghyun comes in to work one day in the most stylish clothes he can pull out of his wardrobe (all courtesy of Kibum). Everyone stares at Jonghyun, who, people will say, is dressed to kill. Jonghyun doesn’t dress to kill; he just dressed to shoot his target.

A white tee with gray graffiti beneath a black and white varsity jacket, a silverfish gray skinny jeans and black patent leather boots that makes identical clicking noises with Kibum’s own. Two black watches on left wrist and one studded bangle on the other. Black rimmed oversized glasses perched on his nose with his reddish brown hair is styled a little messily as if he had just woke up with not so bad bed hair.

The women who works with him (women whose name, as always, he doesn’t bother to remember and only address them with 'noona') go as far as flirt with him. He treats them with casual laugh and false pretense of friendliness. They say he always looks good but never this good, not forgetting to bring a notion of a girl, a lover into the talk.

This has something to do with love but Jonghyun cannot say it has anything to do with a lover.

Kibum’s jaw almost hit the floor and Jonghyun feels like he is the conqueror of the world already when Kibum’s cheeks are painted in beautiful color of roses.

“What happened to you?” He asks the immediate moment Jonghyun approaches him. His eyes flicker to Jonghyun’s boots to his pants, his clothes, his wrists, skipping to his hair before settling to his face. Jonghyun convinces himself he see Kibum hitches his breathe when he speaks the way Jonghyun’s own hitches when he sees Kibum, “You never wear that boots and that pants. I told you they will look good on you, see, they do!”

Jonghyun laughs, pretends that the glints in Kibum’s eyes are the twinkle in his eyes when he holds the model’s hand; pretends that tomorrow he will be the one who fills Kibum’s senses. He put one curled fist in front of his hand to stifle his bubbling laughter, letting Kibum rest his one palm on Jonghyun’s arm and another on his broad shoulders.

“Yah! Why are you laughing?” Jonghyun almost chokes when he feels Kibum’s finger squeezes the muscles beneath the cotton jacket. “You look good but I’m kind of disappointed you hide your arms, they’re impressive.”

The model soon will be nothing, Jonghyun swears to himself as he subtly pulls Kibum a little closer by drawing his arm back a little. The other is not protesting, he continues to talk about Jonghyun’s appearance and what are they going to do today for work. And in between, Jonghyun will gives a piece of his mind, agreeing when he knows Kibum likes it and disagreeing when he knows Kibum likes it too. A promise of coffee after work and another exchange (of hopefully) equally breathtaking smiles, then the two of them drown themselves in the ocean of works.

-

Jonghyun knows Kibum like the back of his palm because he has spent days after days, hours after hours, minutes after minutes, and seconds after seconds, ignoring the universe just for Kibum. It isn’t hard for him to please Kibum and unpleased him at the same time, it’s as easy as finding the sparkling stars in Kibum’s eyes (because in Jonghyun’s eyes, they’re always there).

He will not always agree to what Kibum says anymore because he knows Kibum likes someone who has their own stand. He easily reverts back to who he really is; he whom everyone seems as freak, he who only cares about himself. But this time, he lets Kibum in; he lets him tries to understand him. He opens the gate for him and wears his heart on his sleeves just for Kibum to take.

Kibum himself has become familiar to the way Jonghyun often questions back. But he finds it harder to get used to the new and strange, almost bizarre behavior. But he can see the very same Jonghyun whom he bought clothes for and shares a coffee with. It’s just that Jonghyun seems more like a faint and far away echo, nothing more real than the unpredictable man in front of him.

When he is not working, Jonghyun will sit back and watches as Kibum works with clothes after clothes. He looks at a piece of floral skirt and wrap dress with clear distaste before tossing it. Jonghyun doesn’t have to hear to know that Kibum is saying something along the lines of 'so last season'.

“I don’t think they will like to see clothes strewn out like that, Kibum-ah,” Jonghyun practically drawls the last statement. “And you wouldn’t like it either when the season comes for them to be in.”

Kibum shoots him a look but Jonghyun’s only respond is the shrug of his broad shoulders that Kibum has developed a liking to lean his head on. He begins to fold the clothes, pouting all the while because he knows Jonghyun is right, he won’t like to see these clothes in less than fine condition even though they will never be in season again, or they will be probably replaced with new clothes when the season comes.

He feels someone bumping their shoulders together and Kibum winces because it actually hurts. “Sorry,” he hears Jonghyun murmurs before helping him folding the clothes. Together, they works together with folding the clothes Kibum deems as toss-able and put them back in the wardrobe.

“I need scarf,” Kibum says, “or something with fur.”

He suddenly feels a comfortable weight on his back. Kibum doesn’t need to turn around to see what it is, Jonghyun’s hip is leaning on the table, his tea colored parka was gone. A strange, crooked smile is on his face as he plays with the sleeve of his coat that now drapes on Kibum’s shoulders.

“It is Balmain,” he softly tells Kibum, knowing that the stylist needs to know the brand if he was going to use it.

Kibum fingers the fur that lines the collars with his fingers, “Balmain, huh.”

Jonghyun gives him a sideway glance and tugs the sleeve closer, “Yes, Balmain.”

-

Soon, the model will become no one but a model they work on professional basis. Kibum’s eyes still linger on her longer than usual but it means nothing for Jonghyun (or at least that is what he tells himself every night before he sleeps).

They’re no longer holding hands, her fingers still find their way to Kibum’s skin and shoulders, and sometimes Kibum’s fingers find hers too. But the laces of fingers are no longer there and Jonghyun dreams of placing his palm on Kibum’s just to 'prove' they fit just right; not to try and see whether they fit.

Someone says in his head that Kim Jonghyun doesn’t dream, he does it. And in the most swift of the moment, his fingers are suddenly laced with Kibum’s, making the stylist look at him like Jonghyun hits him with lightning; the way Jonghyun does, the way Jonghyun feels because of Kibum.

The model looks shocked too but she can go to hell and back, Jonghyun won’t care as much. Instead, he tightens his hold on Kibum’s fingers and pulls, locking them tighter together as he smiles and mutters on Kibum’s ears, “They fit.”

He leaves Kibum staring at his retreating back. He leaves Kibum with the trails of his whisper on his ears. He leaves Kibum starry eyed.

Jonghyun leaves Kibum, and he feels like the ever so lonely moon in his abysmal night sky is not lonely anymore.

-

Jinki doesn’t need to ask if Jonghyun was still infatuated with Kim Kibum. Jonghyun smells like someone else and his eyes sparkles with molten gold and silver.

“Happy, aren’t you?” Jinki asks, feeling confident that Jonghyun will answer him instead of questioning back. But Jinki berates himself for should have knowing better because Jonghyun still questions back; because Jonghyun is still the same twisted and insanely sane Kim Jonghyun who can only see the illusion of hollow night sky charmed into a canvas of blinking stars.

“Am I?” The question easily falls back from Jonghyun’s lips. He doesn’t look at Jinki, he looks at how Kibum will crease his brows now and then whenever Jonghyun asks back.

“Are you?” He decides to push harder, suddenly wanting to play the game Jonghyun lay open for him because he actually want to find out the answer.

Only this time, Jonghyun isn’t hosting a game of any sort. He takes one last sip of his drink before walking away with another (same) question, “Am I?”

-

Jonghyun still asks back when Kibum asks him and Kibum isn’t complaining. He merely looks at Jonghyun who doesn’t even spare a glance at him before returning to his cup of coffee. It begins with a trivial question of what kind of coffee Jonghyun likes and Jonghyun asked back about what Kibum thinks he likes.

It’s only a little bit frustrating and doesn’t really grate his nerves, but Kibum still wants to know the answer because Jonghyun knows about him well enough already to order him food and drink that will make Kibum’s stomach flip in delight.

On contrary, he barely know anything about Jonghyun and sometimes settles with whatever he likes, Jonghyun seems to likes what he likes. Sometimes he wonders if Jonghyun actually cringes at the sweetness of the caramel because he likes his coffee black and dark. Maybe Jonghyun doesn’t like to spend his money on clothes, maybe Jonghyun doesn’t like to share a cup of coffee together after work and prefers to go straight at home after work, maybe Jonghyun doesn’t like to hear someone nagging about clothes and what-not to him.

After months of getting attached to the hip with him, it is only then Kibum realized he never really know Jonghyun at all. He gets used to him, yes, but he doesn’t do it because he already know Jonghyun and trust him; it’s more like he does do it because he feels comfortable around Jonghyun and trust him.

Their first meeting left a curious impression on Kibum’s mind, leaving an intricate design of pattern that resembles Jonghyun. He is not drawn to him like a moth to a flame, it’s a mere childlike curiosity of wanting to untangle the complicated pattern that is Kim Jonghyun.

It is innocent, it is naïve, it is simple and honest. But somewhere along the line, Kibum eventually starts talking more about himself and Jonghyun never disclose anything personal at all. The furthest he got from Jonghyun is a vague explanation of why he works as photographer.

Suddenly, Kibum feels a little bit cold from where the tip of his elbow touched Jonghyun’s own. At the same time, warmth is radiating from the same spot, giving him comfort and assurance of safeties. He recalls Jonghyun and his hazel eyes, telling him he’s going to protect Kibum.

But can you really trust someone who you do not know (well if not at all) to protect you from harm?

Kibum pushes his elbow a little until Jonghyun looks at him, the older man tilts his head to the right in question. He shivers when he sees the everlasting depth of Jonghyun’s eyes. He asks him what is wrong with all too familiar cheeky grin and Kibum tries to recall if he ever spends his time after work with anyone before Jonghyun.  
“Why are you so confusing?”

Jonghyun blinks; three rapid blinks, and peers out at the sky. Kibum notices Jonghyun likes to gaze at the night sky a lot, he won’t be surprised if Jonghyun told him his hobby is stargazing. “Why do you think I am?”

A scowl, an angry huff, and a gentle push of elbow. Kibum doesn’t look away, never looking away. It is Jonghyun who does and Kibum thinks Jonghyun is complicated; conflicting, ready to make contradiction and to be a paradox. The mug on his fingers are giving him warmth, but they’re not as warm as the one Jonghyun gives him from beneath the layers of clothing.

“I think, I think it’s because…” but Kibum cannot find a reason why, cannot find the appropriate word because he doesn’t know Jonghyun at all, so how can he knows what to think about him? He has no map about Kim Jonghyun and he feels like he is falling head first to the hole of realization. His eyes snaps to Jonghyun (and in those eyes, Jonghyun sees millions of starlight from far away galaxy; sees constellations that captures his heart and mind, body and soul), and he blurts out; “Because I do not know you at all.”

A laugh come spilled from Jonghyun’s mouth, sounding like ringing bell and grand orchestra. Kibum blushes despite himself and takes a sip of his coffee, letting the bitterness linger on his tongue and the scalding hot water burns his tongue. Jonghyun leans a little more into Kibum, pushing his elbow further to the stylist’s side, then eventually, he angles his head so his lips are so close to Kibum’s ear that the latter can make out a song that Jonghyun’s breathing composes.

“Why do you think you do not know me at all?” He asks to Kibum’s ears.

Kibum turns a little and wills himself not to think too much about their close proximity. The movement causes Jonghyun’s lips to graze his ears, Kibum mentally swears as his blush deepens. “I think it’s because you won’t let me.”

Jonghyun is still breathing down Kibum’s ears. How he wants to dart out his tongue to play with the piercings on Kibum’s ears, how he longs to know what kind of voice Kibum will make if he did so. He lowers his voice an octave, making it sounds husky yet Jonghyun thinks it still sounds so much like him. “What if I let you, Kibum-ah? Do you want to know?”

Kibum doesn’t answer, there is no need to. Because when he turns his head, his eyes meet Jonghyun and for the first time Kibum sees how his eyes are reflected on Jonghyun’s eyes; how his eyes are sparkling and twinkling brightly, how he is the center of Jonghyun’s focus. Then his eyelids slowly slid shut as Jonghyun inches closer, counting Kibum’s lashes as he does so, mapping the flaw on Kibum’s face, and dips his head lower.

The next thing, they’re touching, and Kibum can only thank they choose a rather secluded corner in the coffee.

-

“They said I’m insane, “ Jonghyun murmurs as he leaves kisses after kisses on the tip of Kibum’s fingers. Kibum stares at him from beneath his lashes, body lying beneath Jonghyun on Jonghyun’s bed. “They said I’m a freak but one friend of mine told me I just have my own twisted and sick way to cope with things.”

“Have you ever been in love before?” Jonghyun smiles at the question and lazily moves to kiss the plane of Kibum’s nose.

“I don’t really know about love. But I know what I feel for you is what people will call romantic love.”

Both of them are still fully clothed, they only go as far as kissing each other senseless; it doesn’t matter because they never make sense, anyways, they’re not going to make any sense, and Jonghyun is willing to stay like that.

Kibum hums as Jonghyun tells him a story of a boy named Kim Jonghyun who dreams of night sky and wants to capture it with his fingers. He listens intently while carding Jonghyun’s hair with his fingers, occasionally massaging his scalp here and there.

When Jonghyun starts telling him about his meeting with Kibum, the younger boy feels like someone has squeezed his heart and take it away for Kibum to find it back. That someone is Kim Jonghyun who tells Kibum that he always, always and will forever see the starry sky he has been dreaming about since he can barely make sense out of the world around him.

“You are magical, a wonderful work of art, the masterpiece of the maestro,” Kibum laughs at the Jonghyun’s cheesiness and suddenly, ever so suddenly, a voice comes out of nowhere in his head, telling him that Jonghyun is not cheesy; he is insane, he is not normal, he is not like the others, he is not understandable, he is an alien coming from another galaxy another dimension to find new stars to inhabit. And Kibum is the star that he has been looking for.

Jonghyun kisses him again feverishly and Kibum kisses back with equal passion. When they part, Jonghyun’s eyes are on Kibum’s, making Kibum feel all special and irreplaceable.

People might say that Jonhghyun is insane; they might say Jonghyun is a freak. But Kibum thinks it is okay because Jonghyun is not, Jonghyun is merely someone who use different words to convey his feelings and does different thing to express himself.

Kim Jonghyun is different and it is only human’s nature to shy away from something unusual before the feeling transform into fear. They never try to understand Jonghyun when he talks about the way the stars aligned; they never try to understand Jonghyun when he says he can (and he will) seize the stars with his fingers, they break him with logic and diluted idealism only adult can possess. The result is Jonghyun forever staying with his childlike idealism in his growing, maturing body. The sane part of him is the part that tells him to grow up and face the reality head first. The insane part of him is the part of him that wants to stay child forever, clinging onto his dreams of beautiful and glorious night sky.

Kim Kibum is magical in Jonghyun’s eyes because Kibum, much like him, is still stubbornly holding on his dream and selfish, childlike attitude. Kibum speaks in a manner of a child who doesn’t know (doesn’t care) he can hurt people with his words. Kibum walks like he owns the world because children tend to think like that. Kibum is so much like a child who thinks the world revolves around him that he doesn’t care what people think about him; so long as he is the center of the world, everything will be fine.

In an essence, Kim Kibum is also a child like him but he, unlike Jonghyun, doesn’t have a part that denies the idea of growing up. He grows up together with his childlikeness while Jonghyun partly do not want to.

“Are you stargazing?” Kibum asks, smiling at the love that he finds lurking within Jonghyun’s clouded eyes (clouded with same passion, same feelings; same amount of love).

“I am.” He answers before dipping in to kiss Kibum’s eyelids one by one.

As he tucks Kibum’s head under his chin, breathing in his bittersweet smell, Jonghyun wonders if he has make Kibum loves him enough to make him the center of his world. And it is true, even if he has Kibum within his embrace, he doesn’t think it is enough; he has sailed over seven oceans on the earth but he feels the sudden need to travel through the whole world even to the most secluded, deep, and hidden abyss, even to the highest and most brutal unseen peak of mountains.

And after he has done it all, he knows it’s still not enough, Kibum deserves so much more than earth alone; he deserves a whole galaxies to give.

Jonghyun closes his eyes, ready to make another map and plan for his new adventure. Somewhere before he unfolds the empty paper where he will spill his ideas on, he smiles and mumbles; “I have to thank Jinki-hyung.”


End file.
